Spring Rebirth part Deux

Last i recall, spring seemed to be slowly crawling out of the basement and it seemed that the days of my makeshift winter clothes were numbered. i could feel the earth's orbit inching in towards the sun, awakening frozen memories of the soft texture of shorts and t-shirts on my skin. that is until today when snow gently waded down the sky, a graceful breast stroke towards earth, with utter contempt towards propriety of place and season. Three hours later the sun is lazily doing its thing, wrapping everything but shadows in a dreamy haze and the out of season snow but a puddle of the past.

The new year came, anxiety and hope trailed close behind, stayed for a while, and disappeared unnoticed, and here i am in feburary(well now march since it took slightly less than forever to finish writing this), living in a strange daze, being guided through each day by my footsteps that carves through the the dense tokyo pedestrian traffic with more confidence than i have towards my life. it's a whole lotta new situations for me right now; i'm living in a new city, in a new house with someone i recently met, working at a new job, and counting down down the days for the impending future that's peeking right around the corner of april. which i guess, is something of a constant in my life, but this fact never settles quietly. there was a point where all of this was the ideal outcome, the proverbial plan A, but the fact that it all materialized so smoothly and accurately is kind of frightening, while i also feel responsibility to enjoy it, because i did hope for it at some point. anyways, that's too many broad strokes without enough detailing so let me start from 2011's ground zero.

2010 was supposed to be the year that i took huge steps towards developing and exploring my spiritual and artistic self through going to a taiko apprenticeship on an island called Sado in Japan. unfortunately, it seems that i was not sufficiently prepared and ended up using 2010 as material to construct a springboard to reattempt my escapade to the island. more often than not 2010 was spent brooding rather than moving, and for the most part, was definitely a year that i was not particularly proud of. nevertheless, i guess time always keeps its satchel of discoveries close at hand if you know which armpit to look under, and no doubt i had many valuable experiences regardless of my disposition to shrug them off. 2010 took me from selling vegetables at a ghostly vegetable market that had more staff than customers, to boarding a cruise ship around the world as an interpreter, to a 10 day meditation retreat of 100 plus hours of sitting and meditating, where i also learned to observe rather than feel pain, and then finally to the southern island of japan volunteering at a Eco-lodge/village kind of place, working harder than i have most of my life and still being treated like more a piece of shit than i ever have been.

but all that is behind me now cause i'm a proud rickshaw puller now, the all encompassing tour-guide that serves as transporter, historian, cultural insider and of course generic tour guide with limited knowledge but bountiful authority. but all this will be but a fleeting memory because i'm finally going to the long awaited taiko apprenticeship from april!! it's been almost 2 years since i first found out about the taiko apprenticeship in India when i was one day dejectedly surfing the web for some source of inspiration. (i guess surfing the web sometimes is productive!!) it surely has been a long journey since then but the thought that set roots two years ago is finally sprouting. but there was some serious fertilizing that had to happen before all this happened.

going back to the two day exam that i endured last year, or more like survived, was not a pleasant thought. just thinking about standing in front of the 15 to 20 interviewers again, coming face to face with the people who were accepted from last year's applicant pool, heading into the three minute self-promotion time being watched by 40 or more extremely talented people without having prepared anything, going through the examination process that thoroughly crushed me like play-doh is done to by kids, especially without really having done anything that would position myself any better than the previous year, was a pretty nerve wrecking experience, complete with a full assortment of the heebie-jeebies. leading up to the exam, my feelings were all over the place, as a side of me felt comfortably confident about my chances, while the other logically identified all the reasons why i would not be accepted.

amidst all this i headed into the island of Sado that welcomed me with its below zero temperature and its white velvet snow that gently veiled everything in sight. Though the temperature was lower, the weather more calamitous and my confidence a little less, overall i had a pretty happy disposition. the inn that i stayed in prior to the exam had 3 other applicants and we all shared our worry, fears and hopes. i got a buzz cut from a local barber, and although i already haggled him down, he gave me the extra service of shaving my beard AND cleaning my ear! but most importantly he assured me i'll get in and that we would meet again in april, while he also gave me back change when i paid the agreed upon price. little as all this seems, it did result in me heading into the examination loving life and people, and being a little more relaxed and comfortable with my own skin existing in this world.

this year the hard wood floor seemed much colder than last year. white streams of vapor climbed to the ceiling each time we opened our mouth. the warm up drills and exercises was as strenuous and torturous as before but somehow it seemed a lot more bearable and even enjoyable. i imagined that seeing the faces of those who were accepted the year before would make me feel a mixture of embarrassment and envy, but all in all i sincerely felt happy to see them. unlike last year where i felt the other applicants were my enemies vying for limited space, where i secretly listed in my head why each one should not be accepted, this year i genuinely felt a certain love for all that were there and i sincerely wanted everyone to be accepted, and imagined how great it would be to spend our next year in that place with each other. rather than competing with the others i felt like we were enacting the future, sampling what in april would be our reality. where i felt envy the year before i found respect. where i felt contempt and superiority the year before i discovered love and compassion. and where i felt fear i experienced joy and happiness of having a second chance.

although there were moments of awkwardness and fear, of wanting to run away and forget it all, i also saw all my insecurities in the others as well, and ultimately i let myself believe in the thought that whether it be a confidently talented self, nervous self or in between self, yourself is all you have, so why worry about what you're not when you can calmly start from where you are, and enjoy what you have. this state of mind seemed to work well. now, more than a month has passed since the exam, and less than a month remains until i go to the island, but i'm still trying to relive the enjoyment that i found in that situation of extreme duress. in a place of comfort and ease, i seem to find more enjoyment in finding imperfections rather than enjoying the imperfect perfection of all that has brought me here, and where here will next take me. what all this means to me right now is, it's been gone for a while now, but i can feel the loving happy magic knocking on my heart's front door. i still don't feel the tingly steady vibrations that unconditional love gives, but i can feel the gentle swell approaching. just in time for spring's welcoming warmth. i truly hope that all of you are feeling love and giving love, because for me that may be all that matters. but for now, off to the island i go. yipee yay yay yo!

it's Spring rebirth everybody.

I just caught myself in the act again... Mindlessly surfing through amazon.com looking at poetry writing books. I've been steadily haunted by urges to write, to create and to release, but these desires are usually blanketed by a deluge of internet pages of how tos, books on doing things, and then the final descent into alluring links into celebrity gossip, random articles and the inevitable drifting away in the inexorable current of youtube videos, finding myself suddenly 3 hours waist deep into mindless unproductivity of the worse kind.

It's been a while since writing something substantial, and as per personal customs I feel like i should prepare some luxurious fruits of excuses on a silver platter, light up some contrite candles and play truce tunes, but really, like always, but even less this time, i got nothing. Caught up with my own disappointment with how my life is going and how i'm reacting to things i've been straight up hopelessly just trying to run away from current reality, but having nowhere really to go i've disengaged with my surrounding, resulting in me eating and sleeping here but not really living. Deep down inside the viscous mud pit of my outlook, i know there are some bubbles of respite squeezing through the deterring walls, but for the mean while it's just struggling through each day and trying to keep the flames of positivity from extinguishing into a cold silence. In some ways, i think the blog serves that purpose for me. to calm down, to compose myself into letters creating a form of a new self, giving new meaning to what i would have just kept unsaid. Forcing myself into accepting not only my circumstances, but myself... It's a difficult process and while i write these words i can feel feelings grating against each other, a blizzard of shame, embarrassment and sadness rasping scratching my emotional confines, but giving these feelings words and putting it out there at least allows me to recognize myself and everything that comes with it.

Last night, i stood outside my house, feet firmly planted on the deserted after hour roads, feeling joy and an elusive serenity as i inhaled the cool silver glow of the full moon. Clouds slid across the sky in two tones, illuminated by the moon glow from above and city lights from below, carving up the deep blue sky into different still lakes. It was the kind of intoxicating beauty that relieves you of your brooding baggage, even if for a brief second, and let's you see the world untainted. But these days it seems like every moment i try to let go and savor, its intruded by the rude visit of a tinge of pain of loneliness. if only i had community to share with.

i'ma gonna write more later, but i fear that if i don't put this post up now, it's gonna get lost in the draft box like so many other unfinished thoughts, slowly languishing for lack of oxygen and vitamin d.

Writer's block

I ain't sayin i have it, much less that i'm a writer, but i'm tryin to break through these interminable breaks that's been plaguing my communication with unspecified and undisclosed audience. so i think i'm a gonna try writing about random thoughts that my eyes freeze upon in the day.

today while i was using the conditioner that resides in my shower, who's possession it is is not quite clear to me, i noticed it said "For professionals" or something like that. I wonder what that means? Like professional conditioners? Like you can use these viscous substance to condition the condition that arrest us like extreme rendition? Anyways whatever it's for i wonder if i should ask my roommate whether i can use it... naw.

a second thought i had was i've been having a lot of good questioning of myself, intentions, desires and destinations and one thing i realized is i want to be involved in happiness. Not an irresponsible happiness that comes spontaneously, wantonly and at times injuriously, but a happiness that comes from the smiles of others. from the sugar smiles of others that spread sweet tingles throughout the body and warm vibrations through the soul. whatever that means i'm going to strive for it and hopefully being more intentional about seeing things every day will get me there...

Inadequacy

I've been having this brooding feeling that's been pulling at my shoelaces, bringing me closer to tripping over than whatever odds already were expectantly waiting for me to flop. It's a vague feeling of fear, of inadequacy, that i've wasted opportunity after opportunity to become something worthy, something that tiptoes the thin line of something extraordinary, something that i'm not and something i wish i was.

In some ways, i feel blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people and experiences, that challenge me, the way i think, the way i exist, but at the same time that sinking feeling that's constantly brewing inside, fogging my confidence and boiling my fear, isn't exactly the most pleasant feeling i like to rest my head on when i transition to sleep. coincidentally and perhaps symbolically, i have now been more than 6 weeks without a pillow because it is in the garage of someone who is traveling and i am too cheap to buy one. oh how i miss those pillow covered days.

I guess I just need to use this as motivation to maintain focused on self betterment. i just read something that said just the ability to spot your weaknesses, your inadequacies are in someways a gift, a positive that will push you forward.

and so, alas, another weekend passes away, my room still messy, many thoughts unwritten, inspirations un-pursued and feelings unprocessed. i have not yet had a week, where i feel ready to be immersed into it, where confidence maintains a thin layer of protection letting me sway carelessly to the different currents that find me, but i think i'm getting closer... hopefully. regardless i just need to remember how blessed i am to be here, for the opportunities that i've had and will have and just remain patient with myself to fail but also to succeed.

Poetry

Poetry.

Poetry.

Poe tree.
Poet Tree.

Let the feelings blow through my leaves.
Sounding rustles as our breath heaves
Weightless thoughts
Sinking into 1000 pounds of withheld tears.

Let the branches embrace the air,
the sky, the souls the green and the blues.
Emptiness becomes nothing
Sewed into universe's blanket

Let the roots tap into the struggle
Glinting unwavering eyes
Searing through lies
Smoothing greed's ugly wrinkle
a shackle on our ankle

Let me be that tree.
Let me beat in that tree.
Let me be, to beat in the rhythm that be, but a tree.

Tired of being afraid

I'm tired of being afraid of things that don't even exist. if only i could control my imaginations, and wear possibility colored shoes and fearless shaped socks, i could dance the beauty that is now, and not lie pathetically on the sofa of fear of unknowns. here's a short story of what i mean.

Last night an ant came into my ear.

She asked "May i enter your ear?"
I said "I guess..."

I could not deny entry as i'm not adverse to sharing. if i have space that will fulfill your needs then please occupy, encamp and unload your burden. My humble frame is but a brick to sculpt pills that heal.

The ant waltzed his way forward, time moving in thirds, until she reached four stumps. She rested her bag of sadness on the first stump. She placed a loaf of bread on the second. Then she carefully brushed the pink surface of the third stump with one of her feet while using another to wipe away the pungent yet strangely agreeable ear wax with ant sized tissue. She pulled a dandelion pillow out of her bag, fluffed it rhythmically and then tossed it upon the fourth stump. Then she lay her arm on top of her pillow and then she crowned the pillow with her head.

That night was already a weird night, the kind where the silence of the night collides with the city's snores, creating a feathery current that tickles your core. In that uneasy sleep, I woke up to the hushed vibrations the ant's snoring caused. Her inaudible voice sending sounds to my brain directly. It yanked me in and out of sleep until the morning came and i found bits and pieces of the forgotten night memories lodged into my finger's prints. Her carcass but a crude reminder of my uncertainty in myself.

That morning my semi-psychic friend told me to worry about a girl named Amber, her dream foretelling of an unfortunate outcome.

I don't really understand what's going on. And i feel like i'm uneasily balancing on two swively chairs while my hand frisks a cabinet my eyes cannot reach, feeling out for something lacking, but unsure of its texture as it runs amuck while my feet tremble to stay afloat.

Blog Blast

right when you thought it was over! it's the sunday blog blast you all~

i've been at a lost as of what to write about for a while. but when i allow myself to bathe in that which keeps me smiling ideas start flowing. i think i've been trying re-figure out who i am and i've kind of been at a loss. but i think i'll stop looking and start being.