Here I am, just a day away from heading into a new sort of a adventure i guess. Although it's probably been so clear to many, I've finally come to understand that I'm just a helplessly lost soul wandering aimlessly in this thing called life that envelops us in its dark infinity. It's a pretty humbling experience being alive, when one considers we're so immeasurably microscopic in a time/space continuum, and yet our egos sometimes zealously inflate our perceptions of ourselves to a universal scale.
During this sort time I've been wandering, there's been very few times when I've been able to just lean on the surrounding ambience and snuggle myself to peace while reassuring thoughts of belongingness massage my existential angst. Who am I and what am I doing here are questions that constantly harangue my peace of mind. It's never been clear, and once I've stepped away from the paths that conventional wisdom yelled at me to take, I've been drowning in ever-increasing doubt. The more I venture, the deeper i sink. If relenting and gasping for air means doing what is societally acceptable, I may have to continue sinking to find answers for myself, even if that means drowning myself in vast uncertainty. I theoretically understand that there are no answers, and that perfection is within me if I would only allow myself to see it, but I want to go lower and deeper, to really understand what it means to be here, to be desperately lonely, to be irreconcilably sad, to be tragically alive.
That may be too gloomy a picture though. To come to think about it, there is infinite peace when I am in the arms of a loved one, and that's probably the reason of my existence. I've been on a see-saw of doom and gloom to love and peace, but I'll find a balance. In my most honest moments, I feel like it's all just about finding love, giving love, being loved and being in love. Whatever that shape may be, it's dawning on me, if I don't figure all that out I probably won't begin moving forward.
The pressure on some fronts, mainly my own mind, has been mounting and I sometimes feel the urge to capitulate. But, rather than just acquiesce into positioning myself into a financial stable position, I think I'll continue the search. I am terrified by the prospect of having no idea what I'm gonna be doing but if that's what it takes so be it.
But in the mean time I will be here
http://www2.ocn.ne.jp/~kitadake/
until november that is, so anyone who has been waiting to use that shiny new ball point pen on the sleek pice of paper, I'm all game for letters. Stay happy my friends!
During this sort time I've been wandering, there's been very few times when I've been able to just lean on the surrounding ambience and snuggle myself to peace while reassuring thoughts of belongingness massage my existential angst. Who am I and what am I doing here are questions that constantly harangue my peace of mind. It's never been clear, and once I've stepped away from the paths that conventional wisdom yelled at me to take, I've been drowning in ever-increasing doubt. The more I venture, the deeper i sink. If relenting and gasping for air means doing what is societally acceptable, I may have to continue sinking to find answers for myself, even if that means drowning myself in vast uncertainty. I theoretically understand that there are no answers, and that perfection is within me if I would only allow myself to see it, but I want to go lower and deeper, to really understand what it means to be here, to be desperately lonely, to be irreconcilably sad, to be tragically alive.
That may be too gloomy a picture though. To come to think about it, there is infinite peace when I am in the arms of a loved one, and that's probably the reason of my existence. I've been on a see-saw of doom and gloom to love and peace, but I'll find a balance. In my most honest moments, I feel like it's all just about finding love, giving love, being loved and being in love. Whatever that shape may be, it's dawning on me, if I don't figure all that out I probably won't begin moving forward.
The pressure on some fronts, mainly my own mind, has been mounting and I sometimes feel the urge to capitulate. But, rather than just acquiesce into positioning myself into a financial stable position, I think I'll continue the search. I am terrified by the prospect of having no idea what I'm gonna be doing but if that's what it takes so be it.
But in the mean time I will be here
http://www2.ocn.ne.jp/~kitadake/
until november that is, so anyone who has been waiting to use that shiny new ball point pen on the sleek pice of paper, I'm all game for letters. Stay happy my friends!
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