Monday, July 2, 2012

Sporadic though it seems, i guess that's just meee

Here I am, just a day away from heading into a new sort of a adventure i guess.  Although it's probably been so clear to many, I've finally come to understand that I'm just a helplessly lost soul wandering aimlessly in this thing called life that envelops us in its dark infinity.  It's a pretty humbling experience being alive, when one considers we're so immeasurably microscopic in a time/space continuum, and yet our egos sometimes zealously inflate our perceptions of ourselves to a universal scale.

During this sort time I've been wandering, there's been very few times when I've been able to just lean on the surrounding ambience and snuggle myself to peace while reassuring thoughts of belongingness massage my existential angst.  Who am I and what am I doing here are questions that constantly harangue my peace of mind.  It's never been clear, and once I've stepped away from the paths that conventional wisdom yelled at me to take, I've been drowning in ever-increasing doubt.  The more I venture, the deeper i sink.  If relenting and gasping for air means doing what is societally acceptable, I may have to continue sinking to find answers for myself, even if that means drowning myself in vast uncertainty.  I theoretically understand that there are no answers, and that perfection is within me if I would only allow myself to see it, but I want to go lower and deeper, to really understand what it means to be here, to be desperately lonely, to be irreconcilably sad, to be tragically alive.


That may be too gloomy a picture though.  To come to think about it, there is infinite peace when I am in the arms of a loved one, and that's probably the reason of my existence.  I've been on a see-saw of doom and gloom to love and peace, but I'll find a balance.  In my most honest moments, I feel like it's all just about finding love, giving love, being loved and being in love.  Whatever that shape may be, it's dawning on me, if I don't figure all that out I probably won't begin moving forward.

The pressure on some fronts, mainly my own mind, has been mounting and I sometimes feel the urge to capitulate.  But, rather than just acquiesce into positioning myself into a financial stable position, I think I'll continue the search.  I am terrified by the prospect of having no idea what I'm gonna be doing but if that's what it takes so be it.

But in the mean time I will be here
http://www2.ocn.ne.jp/~kitadake/

643 Ashikura, Ashiyasu, Minami Alps, Yamanashi, 400-0241

until november that is, so anyone who has been waiting to use that shiny new ball point pen on the sleek pice of paper, I'm all game for  letters. Stay happy my friends!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Why's not now

Why's not now to atone for the unexpressed, those lone feelings that once danced but then digressed. Why's not now, to stop hiding behind that cloak of ambiguity, tiny feelings of passive faith in best case scenarios, the only problem is, all the scenarios seem like dead end streets towards self incrimination. Why's not now to step off that silly trail of excuses, that luminescent trail of milk and honey, that don't do nothin but waste your money. What am i talking about? I'm talking about my procrastinating fearful self, filled with dreams but void of action. Why's not now, cause tomorrow isn't a promise, but just an illusion, an illusion of resetting mistakes, settling tabs on give and takes, but mostly a chance to awake.  So why's not now, cause tomorrow's now can't wait.

SO with that, i'm off to another thunderous start, now that i lost all my readership! Lemme rebuild from scratch, just like all those ancient cool civilizations, that will here in be undisclosed, but, like, that one in Greece did a pretty good job. Right??

What better way to start by cleaning out my unpublished blog entries, that dungeon of archived memories, locked in cubicles no bigger than medium sized sedan. I must forewarn that gems do abound, but it takes two to make the light shine, which means me and you, and I will leave it at that.

Peeing on Ice Cubes
7/19/2009

(Post Commentary) That was how far i got in that blog entry. i remember this was right after peeing in the urinal at a Sushi joint. I guess they thought rather than just dumping out those precious prizes of civilization, they should create a moment to discharging fellows. And a momentous moment it was indeed. Can there be anything as satisfying liberating frozen liquid, from discharged liquids from oneself? Kind of like a domino effect of freedom.

Slowly
7/23/2009
It's been a slow process but i feel a little more like myself and a little bit less like a shadow of a soul.

Another one of them melancholic entries i guess. Don't know what it was about but i empathize with you past Ian, forever the forbear of melancholia, the most delicious dish of the existential soup bowl.


Breath-taking flow
8/24/2009
 It seems that somewhere along the way i have attracted a seamstress. I must confess that i have been...

Ohhhh shit! Confess motherfu#$er!! Well i guess it never really started cause I don't remember no seamstress in my life...... though there was that one time...

Weekend Sink In
8/8/2009
I think i've been maturing a lot lately. So much so, i think i finally truly appreciate and respect the decision to create a 7th day, and designate it as the day of rest. A day off to relax and de-stress, who would have thought... Anyways before i delve any deeper into my new found religious awakening to the divinity of weekends, i guess i want to write about some personal development of myself, which has come slow like the uncertain waddle of a toddler, but still with a bruised forehead to light the way. 

Hooray.  The tradition proudly continues my friend. I proudly stand on your shoulders, well, oh, slouch.

The year of Gratitude
10/18/2009
Hello friends. It has been a while. I hope that in between every space we transition through, (new rooms, days, meals, stores, coffees and rarely updated blogs) that those doors find your presence in good spirits. For me life has truly been a blessed and confusing trip and now that i have completed yet another revolution of time i think i want to start my new year with a humble feeling of joyful gratitude and consciousness of all the things i should appreciate. Ultimately life is special only because of the gratitude we feel, elevating us from a state of the unremarkable to the exceptional, coloring the bland to an explosion of feelings and love. So before going forward i thought i would do a little moon walk into the past.

I don't get what new year this was talking about cause October ain't new years according to any calendar. I guess it was my birthday??

Untitled
1/29/2010
Thin strands of clouds cover the sky like embroidered silk, or like the remnants of a company man's fading youth, a desperate attempt to hide the assertive encroaching desertification. The thinned sunlight is further distilled by the thin layer of condensation on the window, coating my outlook with faded optimism, perhaps the proper attire for my eye while I wonder through the basement of winter. And it is this lusterless state of being that I seem to find my self continually locked to.

Dramatic scene changes seems to be a solid fixture of my life, but it seems each time my sense of direction becomes dimmer. The past month since returning to Japan has been one of the greatest unrestricted struggles. When everything in my surrounding resembles nothing of what was

More melancholia for me!! The company man's reference is more effective in Japanese to all those that felt it lacking.


Untitled
5/15/2010
the months have been moving slowly and nondescriptly, like borderless rain clouds brooding over sun thirsting soil.


Now offering title-less melancholic memorabilia!

Music, food, dance, writing, photography, art, drinking and smoking
7/20/10
how else does one describe that radiating feeling that sends shiverous fleas that jump all over your skin...

 Ooohh, ooh, I want shiverous fleas!! pleeaaaseee...

Yes! Done! No more drafts. No more nagging baggage from the past pulling at my loose hanging pants. From here, it will all be forward progression. Movement at last!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Bonus draft!!

(already an post commentary draft below. damn. i outdid my self. but here's an intro to even that annotation. I guess there were supposed to be pictures. but i can't find them. i probably never published this cause i was too lazy to put the photos in and now i can't even find them. oh well)

(so this was draft that had been fermenting since feb. and now that i'm outro of india i feel this is outdated but nostalgia is a common baggage that we all carry right around may. so let's take a stroll down my memory lane and let by-gones be by-back-agains)

there goes feburary... i feel like it never really stayed, although i did offer it a cup of tea... my friends, march is such a fine month with pleasant winds that brings the titillating smells of a fabulous future, which is full of life, happiness and love. i think i've never used the word pleasant and fabulous more in any month than this one. Alas the seasons must change but i will try to consciously appreciate and enjoy/savor money march, because i feel like feburary was kind of like when you're eating auto-pilot mode and realize you finished the dish before really tasting it; the difference is life ain't a buffet and ain't no seconds... So to start  march magically with the right spell, i thought i would conjure a photo illustration of my dolce vida in india.

Breakfeast is not just key, but it's a freakin master key that can unlock all kinds of doors, especially plaid doors with brass knobs that speak to you in rhymes, and velvety roses and lush passion fruit flowers oozing out from the keyhole because no door can contain that beauty. yes.

After breakfeast comes work and before work comes transport. What can i say, i gotta rep the cause so Buses are how i groove. Now i know this is kind of outdated but i didn't have a blog at the time so i think i am entitled to talk about at least one olympic topic, which coincidentally is all i have anyways. So riding the bus in Delhi can be uneventful or it can be a once every four year kind of spectacular event. i think india as a whole won one gold medal at beijing olympics. but you know what, when i see people here carving out their lives i only see gold medals. people running onto buses that don't stop, people fighting through walls of people in the bus to get out, conductors racing past the traffic to make a marginal earning. it is seriously unbelievable how difficult some people's lives are, but the resilience of the people is something even more unbelievable. and it is an honor for me to be able to compete with them to get on the bus, share that holy space of public transport where we move together with each other at the same speed. Also, i've noticed on the bus people will help those that have no other means but to rely on others. people in cars never give a shit. people in the bus will help a sister and brother out.

work. you've seen me rocking them sheep wool sweaters, that's pretty much how i wrrrrooolll.

bus. this ain't a sprint, it's a marathon.

free concerts. delhi has so many free events, that i often lose myself because i am running left and right in search of free cultural events, and unfortunately sometimes i basque in the free-ness and not the culture. what can i say, i guess i am american.

dinner. yes yes. if the breakfeast is a key, dinner is the sea; where we all came from and where we all end. The waves of the days end brings the scent of mellow moods and i sail towards a dreamy future on my ship called dinner. 

that is me in my PJs as i rep the cause even in my sleep. if i can't work 24/7 i'll just dress myself that way.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

It's been almost two week since the big earth quake in japan but the after shocks are as present as ever. In between bouts of disaster amnesia and borderline trauma, the logistics of life fill in the gaps. I've gone to work twice after the quake. Standing in front of a huge picturesque traditional looking lantern trying to get people to ride a two wheeled, grandiose rickshaw, with me at the nose, driving and guiding the city, is certainly innocuous but most likely inappropriate, considering the suffering that is happening a day trip away. But at the same time, the company exists, tourists still arrive, though in dramatically lower numbers, and the drive for profit remains unaffected. Or perhaps the facade of business as usual is a way of coping with the enormity of the disaster. Whatever the case, incongruity drifts in the air as the haunting accuracy of normalcy seeps into whatever cracks and rifts that were caused by the earth quake, but i feel the wounds are too deep for the ordinariness of the past to just return, its belongingness is unquestioned. I feel tense, i feel like i need to feel tense, but i'm also relaxed and enjoying life, which tinges life with guilt, but what does one do? how does one react? the flowers are faithfully blooming to spring's gentle suggestions. green leafs sing to wind as grass grows tall. although the laws of security and the myth of civilization's powers have been violently subverted, the laws of nature and life go on unaffected, or even fortified.

It all started friday the 11th of March, and the progression of events, for lack of a better comparison, really feels like a movie, a chain reaction of disastrous events that seem better placed in the realm of imagination than happening right now, in my life, at this time, on this earth. It started off as a tremble, a gentle nudge to the subconscious, it could have been a truck passing by, someone DDRing in a neighboring room or just another unobjectionable earth quake that happens so often in japan, quietly appearing and disappearing like transient clouds that temporarily halt the warm gaze on a winter day. After i realized it was longer than a quickie passing by, i ran out of the house and by then the shaking was increasing in violence. once i got outside it seemed like someone was violently shaking the ground, the houses, and everything around. it seemed like the whole world was going to burst, and a whole range of emotions, thoughts, images just coursed through my head. when the exceptional nature of the quake started to dawn on me, i felt like the world as i knew had just ended. that buildings would crash around me, families separated and the fort of comfort that my routine had built was about to crumble. it seemed like the quake lasted for a minute or so, which in terms of experience felt literally like it would never end. i had never felt anything like that, that strong and that long, and while i stood there seeing the shaking, hearing the rattling, feeling the violence, i quietly and hopelessly waited for the preordained wreckage to come out from hiding, as inevitable as dusk. as the gravity of the situation turned the playful expression of nearby construction workers to that of fear, the shaking finally subsided. right then it seemed like disaster's protruded calamitous claws clenching onto my consciousness were being gradually protracted back beyond the horizon, and that slowly safety and security would return. feeling shaken up and afraid of returning in doors, i walked around the neighborhood talked to some people around, and as i was walking around i visited the local gardening store and saw spring's burgeoning welcoming party in the making. the scents, the colors, the shapes and the visibly tangible transformations brought a welcome respite to the urgent palpitations triggered by the quake.

much has happened since, and i often find myself feeling guilty for not being present with the suffering that is happening, especially as i live my life as if nothing happened. all the wasted time on the internet, the ingratitude and discontent shown to people, the petty concerns dominating my thoughts, all of these weigh heavily on my conscience, because so much was lost to so many, but i who have lost naught, fritter away what i have been so blessed with... and that for me is exactly what i need to change. With taiko boot camp on the horizon i will definitely be restricted in what i am allowed to waste, but until then what i can do is truly love the fact that i am alive and able to spend blessed time with people and all these moments around. love thick with emotion to all.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Spring Rebirth part Deux

Last i recall, spring seemed to be slowly crawling out of the basement and it seemed that the days of my makeshift winter clothes were numbered. i could feel the earth's orbit inching in towards the sun, awakening frozen memories of the soft texture of shorts and t-shirts on my skin. that is until today when snow gently waded down the sky, a graceful breast stroke towards earth, with utter contempt towards propriety of place and season. Three hours later the sun is lazily doing its thing, wrapping everything but shadows in a dreamy haze and the out of season snow but a puddle of the past.

The new year came, anxiety and hope trailed close behind, stayed for a while, and disappeared unnoticed, and here i am in feburary(well now march since it took slightly less than forever to finish writing this), living in a strange daze, being guided through each day by my footsteps that carves through the the dense tokyo pedestrian traffic with more confidence than i have towards my life. it's a whole lotta new situations for me right now; i'm living in a new city, in a new house with someone i recently met, working at a new job, and counting down down the days for the impending future that's peeking right around the corner of april. which i guess, is something of a constant in my life, but this fact never settles quietly. there was a point where all of this was the ideal outcome, the proverbial plan A, but the fact that it all materialized so smoothly and accurately is kind of frightening, while i also feel responsibility to enjoy it, because i did hope for it at some point. anyways, that's too many broad strokes without enough detailing so let me start from 2011's ground zero.

2010 was supposed to be the year that i took huge steps towards developing and exploring my spiritual and artistic self through going to a taiko apprenticeship on an island called Sado in Japan. unfortunately, it seems that i was not sufficiently prepared and ended up using 2010 as material to construct a springboard to reattempt my escapade to the island. more often than not 2010 was spent brooding rather than moving, and for the most part, was definitely a year that i was not particularly proud of. nevertheless, i guess time always keeps its satchel of discoveries close at hand if you know which armpit to look under, and no doubt i had many valuable experiences regardless of my disposition to shrug them off. 2010 took me from selling vegetables at a ghostly vegetable market that had more staff than customers, to boarding a cruise ship around the world as an interpreter, to a 10 day meditation retreat of 100 plus hours of sitting and meditating, where i also learned to observe rather than feel pain, and then finally to the southern island of japan volunteering at a Eco-lodge/village kind of place, working harder than i have most of my life and still being treated like more a piece of shit than i ever have been.

but all that is behind me now cause i'm a proud rickshaw puller now, the all encompassing tour-guide that serves as transporter, historian, cultural insider and of course generic tour guide with limited knowledge but bountiful authority. but all this will be but a fleeting memory because i'm finally going to the long awaited taiko apprenticeship from april!! it's been almost 2 years since i first found out about the taiko apprenticeship in India when i was one day dejectedly surfing the web for some source of inspiration. (i guess surfing the web sometimes is productive!!) it surely has been a long journey since then but the thought that set roots two years ago is finally sprouting. but there was some serious fertilizing that had to happen before all this happened.

going back to the two day exam that i endured last year, or more like survived, was not a pleasant thought. just thinking about standing in front of the 15 to 20 interviewers again, coming face to face with the people who were accepted from last year's applicant pool, heading into the three minute self-promotion time being watched by 40 or more extremely talented people without having prepared anything, going through the examination process that thoroughly crushed me like play-doh is done to by kids, especially without really having done anything that would position myself any better than the previous year, was a pretty nerve wrecking experience, complete with a full assortment of the heebie-jeebies. leading up to the exam, my feelings were all over the place, as a side of me felt comfortably confident about my chances, while the other logically identified all the reasons why i would not be accepted.

amidst all this i headed into the island of Sado that welcomed me with its below zero temperature and its white velvet snow that gently veiled everything in sight. Though the temperature was lower, the weather more calamitous and my confidence a little less, overall i had a pretty happy disposition. the inn that i stayed in prior to the exam had 3 other applicants and we all shared our worry, fears and hopes. i got a buzz cut from a local barber, and although i already haggled him down, he gave me the extra service of shaving my beard AND cleaning my ear! but most importantly he assured me i'll get in and that we would meet again in april, while he also gave me back change when i paid the agreed upon price. little as all this seems, it did result in me heading into the examination loving life and people, and being a little more relaxed and comfortable with my own skin existing in this world.

this year the hard wood floor seemed much colder than last year. white streams of vapor climbed to the ceiling each time we opened our mouth. the warm up drills and exercises was as strenuous and torturous as before but somehow it seemed a lot more bearable and even enjoyable. i imagined that seeing the faces of those who were accepted the year before would make me feel a mixture of embarrassment and envy, but all in all i sincerely felt happy to see them. unlike last year where i felt the other applicants were my enemies vying for limited space, where i secretly listed in my head why each one should not be accepted, this year i genuinely felt a certain love for all that were there and i sincerely wanted everyone to be accepted, and imagined how great it would be to spend our next year in that place with each other. rather than competing with the others i felt like we were enacting the future, sampling what in april would be our reality. where i felt envy the year before i found respect. where i felt contempt and superiority the year before i discovered love and compassion. and where i felt fear i experienced joy and happiness of having a second chance.

although there were moments of awkwardness and fear, of wanting to run away and forget it all, i also saw all my insecurities in the others as well, and ultimately i let myself believe in the thought that whether it be a confidently talented self, nervous self or in between self, yourself is all you have, so why worry about what you're not when you can calmly start from where you are, and enjoy what you have. this state of mind seemed to work well. now, more than a month has passed since the exam, and less than a month remains until i go to the island, but i'm still trying to relive the enjoyment that i found in that situation of extreme duress. in a place of comfort and ease, i seem to find more enjoyment in finding imperfections rather than enjoying the imperfect perfection of all that has brought me here, and where here will next take me. what all this means to me right now is, it's been gone for a while now, but i can feel the loving happy magic knocking on my heart's front door. i still don't feel the tingly steady vibrations that unconditional love gives, but i can feel the gentle swell approaching. just in time for spring's welcoming warmth. i truly hope that all of you are feeling love and giving love, because for me that may be all that matters. but for now, off to the island i go. yipee yay yay yo!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

it's Spring rebirth everybody.

I just caught myself in the act again... Mindlessly surfing through amazon.com looking at poetry writing books. I've been steadily haunted by urges to write, to create and to release, but these desires are usually blanketed by a deluge of internet pages of how tos, books on doing things, and then the final descent into alluring links into celebrity gossip, random articles and the inevitable drifting away in the inexorable current of youtube videos, finding myself suddenly 3 hours waist deep into mindless unproductivity of the worse kind.

It's been a while since writing something substantial, and as per personal customs I feel like i should prepare some luxurious fruits of excuses on a silver platter, light up some contrite candles and play truce tunes, but really, like always, but even less this time, i got nothing. Caught up with my own disappointment with how my life is going and how i'm reacting to things i've been straight up hopelessly just trying to run away from current reality, but having nowhere really to go i've disengaged with my surrounding, resulting in me eating and sleeping here but not really living. Deep down inside the viscous mud pit of my outlook, i know there are some bubbles of respite squeezing through the deterring walls, but for the mean while it's just struggling through each day and trying to keep the flames of positivity from extinguishing into a cold silence. In some ways, i think the blog serves that purpose for me. to calm down, to compose myself into letters creating a form of a new self, giving new meaning to what i would have just kept unsaid. Forcing myself into accepting not only my circumstances, but myself... It's a difficult process and while i write these words i can feel feelings grating against each other, a blizzard of shame, embarrassment and sadness rasping scratching my emotional confines, but giving these feelings words and putting it out there at least allows me to recognize myself and everything that comes with it.

Last night, i stood outside my house, feet firmly planted on the deserted after hour roads, feeling joy and an elusive serenity as i inhaled the cool silver glow of the full moon. Clouds slid across the sky in two tones, illuminated by the moon glow from above and city lights from below, carving up the deep blue sky into different still lakes. It was the kind of intoxicating beauty that relieves you of your brooding baggage, even if for a brief second, and let's you see the world untainted. But these days it seems like every moment i try to let go and savor, its intruded by the rude visit of a tinge of pain of loneliness. if only i had community to share with.

i'ma gonna write more later, but i fear that if i don't put this post up now, it's gonna get lost in the draft box like so many other unfinished thoughts, slowly languishing for lack of oxygen and vitamin d.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Writer's block

I ain't sayin i have it, much less that i'm a writer, but i'm tryin to break through these interminable breaks that's been plaguing my communication with unspecified and undisclosed audience. so i think i'm a gonna try writing about random thoughts that my eyes freeze upon in the day.

today while i was using the conditioner that resides in my shower, who's possession it is is not quite clear to me, i noticed it said "For professionals" or something like that. I wonder what that means? Like professional conditioners? Like you can use these viscous substance to condition the condition that arrest us like extreme rendition? Anyways whatever it's for i wonder if i should ask my roommate whether i can use it... naw.

a second thought i had was i've been having a lot of good questioning of myself, intentions, desires and destinations and one thing i realized is i want to be involved in happiness. Not an irresponsible happiness that comes spontaneously, wantonly and at times injuriously, but a happiness that comes from the smiles of others. from the sugar smiles of others that spread sweet tingles throughout the body and warm vibrations through the soul. whatever that means i'm going to strive for it and hopefully being more intentional about seeing things every day will get me there...