Spring Rebirth part Deux

Last i recall, spring seemed to be slowly crawling out of the basement and it seemed that the days of my makeshift winter clothes were numbered. i could feel the earth's orbit inching in towards the sun, awakening frozen memories of the soft texture of shorts and t-shirts on my skin. that is until today when snow gently waded down the sky, a graceful breast stroke towards earth, with utter contempt towards propriety of place and season. Three hours later the sun is lazily doing its thing, wrapping everything but shadows in a dreamy haze and the out of season snow but a puddle of the past.

The new year came, anxiety and hope trailed close behind, stayed for a while, and disappeared unnoticed, and here i am in feburary(well now march since it took slightly less than forever to finish writing this), living in a strange daze, being guided through each day by my footsteps that carves through the the dense tokyo pedestrian traffic with more confidence than i have towards my life. it's a whole lotta new situations for me right now; i'm living in a new city, in a new house with someone i recently met, working at a new job, and counting down down the days for the impending future that's peeking right around the corner of april. which i guess, is something of a constant in my life, but this fact never settles quietly. there was a point where all of this was the ideal outcome, the proverbial plan A, but the fact that it all materialized so smoothly and accurately is kind of frightening, while i also feel responsibility to enjoy it, because i did hope for it at some point. anyways, that's too many broad strokes without enough detailing so let me start from 2011's ground zero.

2010 was supposed to be the year that i took huge steps towards developing and exploring my spiritual and artistic self through going to a taiko apprenticeship on an island called Sado in Japan. unfortunately, it seems that i was not sufficiently prepared and ended up using 2010 as material to construct a springboard to reattempt my escapade to the island. more often than not 2010 was spent brooding rather than moving, and for the most part, was definitely a year that i was not particularly proud of. nevertheless, i guess time always keeps its satchel of discoveries close at hand if you know which armpit to look under, and no doubt i had many valuable experiences regardless of my disposition to shrug them off. 2010 took me from selling vegetables at a ghostly vegetable market that had more staff than customers, to boarding a cruise ship around the world as an interpreter, to a 10 day meditation retreat of 100 plus hours of sitting and meditating, where i also learned to observe rather than feel pain, and then finally to the southern island of japan volunteering at a Eco-lodge/village kind of place, working harder than i have most of my life and still being treated like more a piece of shit than i ever have been.

but all that is behind me now cause i'm a proud rickshaw puller now, the all encompassing tour-guide that serves as transporter, historian, cultural insider and of course generic tour guide with limited knowledge but bountiful authority. but all this will be but a fleeting memory because i'm finally going to the long awaited taiko apprenticeship from april!! it's been almost 2 years since i first found out about the taiko apprenticeship in India when i was one day dejectedly surfing the web for some source of inspiration. (i guess surfing the web sometimes is productive!!) it surely has been a long journey since then but the thought that set roots two years ago is finally sprouting. but there was some serious fertilizing that had to happen before all this happened.

going back to the two day exam that i endured last year, or more like survived, was not a pleasant thought. just thinking about standing in front of the 15 to 20 interviewers again, coming face to face with the people who were accepted from last year's applicant pool, heading into the three minute self-promotion time being watched by 40 or more extremely talented people without having prepared anything, going through the examination process that thoroughly crushed me like play-doh is done to by kids, especially without really having done anything that would position myself any better than the previous year, was a pretty nerve wrecking experience, complete with a full assortment of the heebie-jeebies. leading up to the exam, my feelings were all over the place, as a side of me felt comfortably confident about my chances, while the other logically identified all the reasons why i would not be accepted.

amidst all this i headed into the island of Sado that welcomed me with its below zero temperature and its white velvet snow that gently veiled everything in sight. Though the temperature was lower, the weather more calamitous and my confidence a little less, overall i had a pretty happy disposition. the inn that i stayed in prior to the exam had 3 other applicants and we all shared our worry, fears and hopes. i got a buzz cut from a local barber, and although i already haggled him down, he gave me the extra service of shaving my beard AND cleaning my ear! but most importantly he assured me i'll get in and that we would meet again in april, while he also gave me back change when i paid the agreed upon price. little as all this seems, it did result in me heading into the examination loving life and people, and being a little more relaxed and comfortable with my own skin existing in this world.

this year the hard wood floor seemed much colder than last year. white streams of vapor climbed to the ceiling each time we opened our mouth. the warm up drills and exercises was as strenuous and torturous as before but somehow it seemed a lot more bearable and even enjoyable. i imagined that seeing the faces of those who were accepted the year before would make me feel a mixture of embarrassment and envy, but all in all i sincerely felt happy to see them. unlike last year where i felt the other applicants were my enemies vying for limited space, where i secretly listed in my head why each one should not be accepted, this year i genuinely felt a certain love for all that were there and i sincerely wanted everyone to be accepted, and imagined how great it would be to spend our next year in that place with each other. rather than competing with the others i felt like we were enacting the future, sampling what in april would be our reality. where i felt envy the year before i found respect. where i felt contempt and superiority the year before i discovered love and compassion. and where i felt fear i experienced joy and happiness of having a second chance.

although there were moments of awkwardness and fear, of wanting to run away and forget it all, i also saw all my insecurities in the others as well, and ultimately i let myself believe in the thought that whether it be a confidently talented self, nervous self or in between self, yourself is all you have, so why worry about what you're not when you can calmly start from where you are, and enjoy what you have. this state of mind seemed to work well. now, more than a month has passed since the exam, and less than a month remains until i go to the island, but i'm still trying to relive the enjoyment that i found in that situation of extreme duress. in a place of comfort and ease, i seem to find more enjoyment in finding imperfections rather than enjoying the imperfect perfection of all that has brought me here, and where here will next take me. what all this means to me right now is, it's been gone for a while now, but i can feel the loving happy magic knocking on my heart's front door. i still don't feel the tingly steady vibrations that unconditional love gives, but i can feel the gentle swell approaching. just in time for spring's welcoming warmth. i truly hope that all of you are feeling love and giving love, because for me that may be all that matters. but for now, off to the island i go. yipee yay yay yo!