it's Spring rebirth everybody.

I just caught myself in the act again... Mindlessly surfing through amazon.com looking at poetry writing books. I've been steadily haunted by urges to write, to create and to release, but these desires are usually blanketed by a deluge of internet pages of how tos, books on doing things, and then the final descent into alluring links into celebrity gossip, random articles and the inevitable drifting away in the inexorable current of youtube videos, finding myself suddenly 3 hours waist deep into mindless unproductivity of the worse kind.

It's been a while since writing something substantial, and as per personal customs I feel like i should prepare some luxurious fruits of excuses on a silver platter, light up some contrite candles and play truce tunes, but really, like always, but even less this time, i got nothing. Caught up with my own disappointment with how my life is going and how i'm reacting to things i've been straight up hopelessly just trying to run away from current reality, but having nowhere really to go i've disengaged with my surrounding, resulting in me eating and sleeping here but not really living. Deep down inside the viscous mud pit of my outlook, i know there are some bubbles of respite squeezing through the deterring walls, but for the mean while it's just struggling through each day and trying to keep the flames of positivity from extinguishing into a cold silence. In some ways, i think the blog serves that purpose for me. to calm down, to compose myself into letters creating a form of a new self, giving new meaning to what i would have just kept unsaid. Forcing myself into accepting not only my circumstances, but myself... It's a difficult process and while i write these words i can feel feelings grating against each other, a blizzard of shame, embarrassment and sadness rasping scratching my emotional confines, but giving these feelings words and putting it out there at least allows me to recognize myself and everything that comes with it.

Last night, i stood outside my house, feet firmly planted on the deserted after hour roads, feeling joy and an elusive serenity as i inhaled the cool silver glow of the full moon. Clouds slid across the sky in two tones, illuminated by the moon glow from above and city lights from below, carving up the deep blue sky into different still lakes. It was the kind of intoxicating beauty that relieves you of your brooding baggage, even if for a brief second, and let's you see the world untainted. But these days it seems like every moment i try to let go and savor, its intruded by the rude visit of a tinge of pain of loneliness. if only i had community to share with.

i'ma gonna write more later, but i fear that if i don't put this post up now, it's gonna get lost in the draft box like so many other unfinished thoughts, slowly languishing for lack of oxygen and vitamin d.