Inadequacy

I've been having this brooding feeling that's been pulling at my shoelaces, bringing me closer to tripping over than whatever odds already were expectantly waiting for me to flop. It's a vague feeling of fear, of inadequacy, that i've wasted opportunity after opportunity to become something worthy, something that tiptoes the thin line of something extraordinary, something that i'm not and something i wish i was.

In some ways, i feel blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people and experiences, that challenge me, the way i think, the way i exist, but at the same time that sinking feeling that's constantly brewing inside, fogging my confidence and boiling my fear, isn't exactly the most pleasant feeling i like to rest my head on when i transition to sleep. coincidentally and perhaps symbolically, i have now been more than 6 weeks without a pillow because it is in the garage of someone who is traveling and i am too cheap to buy one. oh how i miss those pillow covered days.

I guess I just need to use this as motivation to maintain focused on self betterment. i just read something that said just the ability to spot your weaknesses, your inadequacies are in someways a gift, a positive that will push you forward.

and so, alas, another weekend passes away, my room still messy, many thoughts unwritten, inspirations un-pursued and feelings unprocessed. i have not yet had a week, where i feel ready to be immersed into it, where confidence maintains a thin layer of protection letting me sway carelessly to the different currents that find me, but i think i'm getting closer... hopefully. regardless i just need to remember how blessed i am to be here, for the opportunities that i've had and will have and just remain patient with myself to fail but also to succeed.