It's been almost two week since the big earth quake in japan but the after shocks are as present as ever. In between bouts of disaster amnesia and borderline trauma, the logistics of life fill in the gaps. I've gone to work twice after the quake. Standing in front of a huge picturesque traditional looking lantern trying to get people to ride a two wheeled, grandiose rickshaw, with me at the nose, driving and guiding the city, is certainly innocuous but most likely inappropriate, considering the suffering that is happening a day trip away. But at the same time, the company exists, tourists still arrive, though in dramatically lower numbers, and the drive for profit remains unaffected. Or perhaps the facade of business as usual is a way of coping with the enormity of the disaster. Whatever the case, incongruity drifts in the air as the haunting accuracy of normalcy seeps into whatever cracks and rifts that were caused by the earth quake, but i feel the wounds are too deep for the ordinariness of the past to just return, its belongingness is unquestioned. I feel tense, i feel like i need to feel tense, but i'm also relaxed and enjoying life, which tinges life with guilt, but what does one do? how does one react? the flowers are faithfully blooming to spring's gentle suggestions. green leafs sing to wind as grass grows tall. although the laws of security and the myth of civilization's powers have been violently subverted, the laws of nature and life go on unaffected, or even fortified.

It all started friday the 11th of March, and the progression of events, for lack of a better comparison, really feels like a movie, a chain reaction of disastrous events that seem better placed in the realm of imagination than happening right now, in my life, at this time, on this earth. It started off as a tremble, a gentle nudge to the subconscious, it could have been a truck passing by, someone DDRing in a neighboring room or just another unobjectionable earth quake that happens so often in japan, quietly appearing and disappearing like transient clouds that temporarily halt the warm gaze on a winter day. After i realized it was longer than a quickie passing by, i ran out of the house and by then the shaking was increasing in violence. once i got outside it seemed like someone was violently shaking the ground, the houses, and everything around. it seemed like the whole world was going to burst, and a whole range of emotions, thoughts, images just coursed through my head. when the exceptional nature of the quake started to dawn on me, i felt like the world as i knew had just ended. that buildings would crash around me, families separated and the fort of comfort that my routine had built was about to crumble. it seemed like the quake lasted for a minute or so, which in terms of experience felt literally like it would never end. i had never felt anything like that, that strong and that long, and while i stood there seeing the shaking, hearing the rattling, feeling the violence, i quietly and hopelessly waited for the preordained wreckage to come out from hiding, as inevitable as dusk. as the gravity of the situation turned the playful expression of nearby construction workers to that of fear, the shaking finally subsided. right then it seemed like disaster's protruded calamitous claws clenching onto my consciousness were being gradually protracted back beyond the horizon, and that slowly safety and security would return. feeling shaken up and afraid of returning in doors, i walked around the neighborhood talked to some people around, and as i was walking around i visited the local gardening store and saw spring's burgeoning welcoming party in the making. the scents, the colors, the shapes and the visibly tangible transformations brought a welcome respite to the urgent palpitations triggered by the quake.

much has happened since, and i often find myself feeling guilty for not being present with the suffering that is happening, especially as i live my life as if nothing happened. all the wasted time on the internet, the ingratitude and discontent shown to people, the petty concerns dominating my thoughts, all of these weigh heavily on my conscience, because so much was lost to so many, but i who have lost naught, fritter away what i have been so blessed with... and that for me is exactly what i need to change. With taiko boot camp on the horizon i will definitely be restricted in what i am allowed to waste, but until then what i can do is truly love the fact that i am alive and able to spend blessed time with people and all these moments around. love thick with emotion to all.