Sporadic though it seems, i guess that's just meee

Here I am, just a day away from heading into a new sort of a adventure i guess.  Although it's probably been so clear to many, I've finally come to understand that I'm just a helplessly lost soul wandering aimlessly in this thing called life that envelops us in its dark infinity.  It's a pretty humbling experience being alive, when one considers we're so immeasurably microscopic in a time/space continuum, and yet our egos sometimes zealously inflate our perceptions of ourselves to a universal scale.

During this sort time I've been wandering, there's been very few times when I've been able to just lean on the surrounding ambience and snuggle myself to peace while reassuring thoughts of belongingness massage my existential angst.  Who am I and what am I doing here are questions that constantly harangue my peace of mind.  It's never been clear, and once I've stepped away from the paths that conventional wisdom yelled at me to take, I've been drowning in ever-increasing doubt.  The more I venture, the deeper i sink.  If relenting and gasping for air means doing what is societally acceptable, I may have to continue sinking to find answers for myself, even if that means drowning myself in vast uncertainty.  I theoretically understand that there are no answers, and that perfection is within me if I would only allow myself to see it, but I want to go lower and deeper, to really understand what it means to be here, to be desperately lonely, to be irreconcilably sad, to be tragically alive.


That may be too gloomy a picture though.  To come to think about it, there is infinite peace when I am in the arms of a loved one, and that's probably the reason of my existence.  I've been on a see-saw of doom and gloom to love and peace, but I'll find a balance.  In my most honest moments, I feel like it's all just about finding love, giving love, being loved and being in love.  Whatever that shape may be, it's dawning on me, if I don't figure all that out I probably won't begin moving forward.

The pressure on some fronts, mainly my own mind, has been mounting and I sometimes feel the urge to capitulate.  But, rather than just acquiesce into positioning myself into a financial stable position, I think I'll continue the search.  I am terrified by the prospect of having no idea what I'm gonna be doing but if that's what it takes so be it.

But in the mean time I will be here
http://www2.ocn.ne.jp/~kitadake/

643 Ashikura, Ashiyasu, Minami Alps, Yamanashi, 400-0241

until november that is, so anyone who has been waiting to use that shiny new ball point pen on the sleek pice of paper, I'm all game for  letters. Stay happy my friends!

Why's not now

Why's not now to atone for the unexpressed, those lone feelings that once danced but then digressed. Why's not now, to stop hiding behind that cloak of ambiguity, tiny feelings of passive faith in best case scenarios, the only problem is, all the scenarios seem like dead end streets towards self incrimination. Why's not now to step off that silly trail of excuses, that luminescent trail of milk and honey, that don't do nothin but waste your money. What am i talking about? I'm talking about my procrastinating fearful self, filled with dreams but void of action. Why's not now, cause tomorrow isn't a promise, but just an illusion, an illusion of resetting mistakes, settling tabs on give and takes, but mostly a chance to awake.  So why's not now, cause tomorrow's now can't wait.

SO with that, i'm off to another thunderous start, now that i lost all my readership! Lemme rebuild from scratch, just like all those ancient cool civilizations, that will here in be undisclosed, but, like, that one in Greece did a pretty good job. Right??

What better way to start by cleaning out my unpublished blog entries, that dungeon of archived memories, locked in cubicles no bigger than medium sized sedan. I must forewarn that gems do abound, but it takes two to make the light shine, which means me and you, and I will leave it at that.

Peeing on Ice Cubes
7/19/2009

(Post Commentary) That was how far i got in that blog entry. i remember this was right after peeing in the urinal at a Sushi joint. I guess they thought rather than just dumping out those precious prizes of civilization, they should create a moment to discharging fellows. And a momentous moment it was indeed. Can there be anything as satisfying liberating frozen liquid, from discharged liquids from oneself? Kind of like a domino effect of freedom.

Slowly
7/23/2009
It's been a slow process but i feel a little more like myself and a little bit less like a shadow of a soul.

Another one of them melancholic entries i guess. Don't know what it was about but i empathize with you past Ian, forever the forbear of melancholia, the most delicious dish of the existential soup bowl.

Breath-taking flow

8/24/2009

 It seems that somewhere along the way i have attracted a seamstress. I must confess that i have been...

Ohhhh shit! Confess motherfu#$er!! Well i guess it never really started cause I don't remember no seamstress in my life...... though there was that one time...

Weekend Sink In

8/8/2009

I think i've been maturing a lot lately. So much so, i think i finally truly appreciate and respect the decision to create a 7th day, and designate it as the day of rest. A day off to relax and de-stress, who would have thought... Anyways before i delve any deeper into my new found religious awakening to the divinity of weekends, i guess i want to write about some personal development of myself, which has come slow like the uncertain waddle of a toddler, but still with a bruised forehead to light the way. 

Hooray.  The tradition proudly continues my friend. I proudly stand on your shoulders, well, oh, slouch.

The year of Gratitude

10/18/2009

Hello friends. It has been a while. I hope that in between every space we transition through, (new rooms, days, meals, stores, coffees and rarely updated blogs) that those doors find your presence in good spirits. For me life has truly been a blessed and confusing trip and now that i have completed yet another revolution of time i think i want to start my new year with a humble feeling of joyful gratitude and consciousness of all the things i should appreciate. Ultimately life is special only because of the gratitude we feel, elevating us from a state of the unremarkable to the exceptional, coloring the bland to an explosion of feelings and love. So before going forward i thought i would do a little moon walk into the past.

I don't get what new year this was talking about cause October ain't new years according to any calendar. I guess it was my birthday??

Untitled
1/29/2010
Thin strands of clouds cover the sky like embroidered silk, or like the remnants of a company man's fading youth, a desperate attempt to hide the assertive encroaching desertification. The thinned sunlight is further distilled by the thin layer of condensation on the window, coating my outlook with faded optimism, perhaps the proper attire for my eye while I wonder through the basement of winter. And it is this lusterless state of being that I seem to find my self continually locked to.

Dramatic scene changes seems to be a solid fixture of my life, but it seems each time my sense of direction becomes dimmer. The past month since returning to Japan has been one of the greatest unrestricted struggles. When everything in my surrounding resembles nothing of what was

More melancholia for me!! The company man's reference is more effective in Japanese to all those that felt it lacking.


Untitled
5/15/2010
the months have been moving slowly and nondescriptly, like borderless rain clouds brooding over sun thirsting soil.


Now offering title-less melancholic memorabilia!

Music, food, dance, writing, photography, art, drinking and smoking
7/20/10
how else does one describe that radiating feeling that sends shiverous fleas that jump all over your skin...

 Ooohh, ooh, I want shiverous fleas!! pleeaaaseee...

Yes! Done! No more drafts. No more nagging baggage from the past pulling at my loose hanging pants. From here, it will all be forward progression. Movement at last!

Bonus draft!!

(already an post commentary draft below. damn. i outdid my self. but here's an intro to even that annotation. I guess there were supposed to be pictures. but i can't find them. i probably never published this cause i was too lazy to put the photos in and now i can't even find them. oh well)

(so this was draft that had been fermenting since feb. and now that i'm outro of india i feel this is outdated but nostalgia is a common baggage that we all carry right around may. so let's take a stroll down my memory lane and let by-gones be by-back-agains)

there goes feburary... i feel like it never really stayed, although i did offer it a cup of tea... my friends, march is such a fine month with pleasant winds that brings the titillating smells of a fabulous future, which is full of life, happiness and love. i think i've never used the word pleasant and fabulous more in any month than this one. Alas the seasons must change but i will try to consciously appreciate and enjoy/savor money march, because i feel like feburary was kind of like when you're eating auto-pilot mode and realize you finished the dish before really tasting it; the difference is life ain't a buffet and ain't no seconds... So to start  march magically with the right spell, i thought i would conjure a photo illustration of my dolce vida in india.

Breakfeast is not just key, but it's a freakin master key that can unlock all kinds of doors, especially plaid doors with brass knobs that speak to you in rhymes, and velvety roses and lush passion fruit flowers oozing out from the keyhole because no door can contain that beauty. yes.

After breakfeast comes work and before work comes transport. What can i say, i gotta rep the cause so Buses are how i groove. Now i know this is kind of outdated but i didn't have a blog at the time so i think i am entitled to talk about at least one olympic topic, which coincidentally is all i have anyways. So riding the bus in Delhi can be uneventful or it can be a once every four year kind of spectacular event. i think india as a whole won one gold medal at beijing olympics. but you know what, when i see people here carving out their lives i only see gold medals. people running onto buses that don't stop, people fighting through walls of people in the bus to get out, conductors racing past the traffic to make a marginal earning. it is seriously unbelievable how difficult some people's lives are, but the resilience of the people is something even more unbelievable. and it is an honor for me to be able to compete with them to get on the bus, share that holy space of public transport where we move together with each other at the same speed. Also, i've noticed on the bus people will help those that have no other means but to rely on others. people in cars never give a shit. people in the bus will help a sister and brother out.

work. you've seen me rocking them sheep wool sweaters, that's pretty much how i wrrrrooolll.

bus. this ain't a sprint, it's a marathon.

free concerts. delhi has so many free events, that i often lose myself because i am running left and right in search of free cultural events, and unfortunately sometimes i basque in the free-ness and not the culture. what can i say, i guess i am american.

dinner. yes yes. if the breakfeast is a key, dinner is the sea; where we all came from and where we all end. The waves of the days end brings the scent of mellow moods and i sail towards a dreamy future on my ship called dinner. 

that is me in my PJs as i rep the cause even in my sleep. if i can't work 24/7 i'll just dress myself that way.