It's raining in Delhi

and i feel somewhere in between a root nestled in the soft dirt, rigidly but gracefully soaking in the whispering rains that gently scratch the earth, and a pile of cow shit getting splattered around on the street, longing for the warm comfort of a body as it grudgingly blends into the oblivion of pavement decorated with other cast asides, used and discarded by a society that's forgotten its tracks were for moving souls and not steamrolling past console.

Lemme explain.

My 23rd March of my life physically was nomadic, as a Fulbright conference, travels with my dad and travels with my friend from Middle and High school chaperoned me around India. Emotionally, i've been an environmental hazard cause i've been travelling between the polar extremes, excessively and egregiously. Spiritually, i feel like a 3D puzzle that was once carefully assembled but since dismantled by fate's chance wrecking ball, lays scattered on a table, purposely sprawled out over meaninglessness.

Still doesn't make sense?? Lemme explain some more.

My March is still deliberating whether to call itself Melancholy March or March Good Moods. To be able to travel with friends and family, with those that nurtured you and have seen you grow is a blessing; (bonus points for well place semicolon!) to be able to share your life honestly and proudly with those you love spreads satisfying soft ripples of warmth through your body. I admit that i sometimes forget to stop and smell the beauty that abounds and patiently waits for appreciation; to consciously wake up every morning and make a decision to love myself and others; to lovingly embrace the luck of being born and being present here and now on earth and being able to journey through these fleeting moments of the divine with those that i love and care about. My dad, mark, and friend, yukari, were simultaneously gracefully placed post-its and relentless booted kicks to the shin that reminded me of the ever present peace that we too often deprive our selves of. nevertheless, in that small comfort of the hermit's shell, i still can't hide the fact that i feel like i'm in a perpetual state of hanging over the precipice of drowning in my own breath.

it seems that my relationship with Yuko that started 7 years ago has come to an abrupt halt. apparently my mind is as blind as my eyes cause I had no sense of it coming, and all that remains is a failed table cloth trick where the table cloth that adorned and gently bebedded all my dishes was taken away and everything on top spilled, spoiled, smashed and scattered. It's something that breaks the heart but doesn't register in the mind. Such a weird feeling of believing in something to be so robust and solid that it could never end and one day reading an email that it just all crumbled... i guess i just got wall streeted, but at least i'm trendy, and it matches well with my trendy new thick framed glasses with Rhine stones in 'em.

It's also weird for me to write this in the blog, because usually i'm pretty private, but it was such a defining character of mine, and i don't feel like the same person. well i'm not. she was the thread that bound together my fractured and fragmented self, creating patchwork that no one else could. She made me whole and let me always be "it" to her ini mino mini mo. if i was anpanman, who's a japanese hero made of sweet bean bread, i totally feel like someone took a huge piece off and put it in the toaster and burnt it. what a waste... also, last night i had a dream that some bug was eating through my face and left a tunnel about the size of a pencil through my face. it was really bizarre and i didn't quite understand it, but maybe it meant that i've lost a piece of myself, and i have, and peace seems further away than ever.

so at current i feel completely distanced and abandoned from all that i care about. my work hasn't felt that meaningful, more than just my love, my life passion, my life soundtrack has gone silent and i've lost the rhythm of my life as each beat dully merges with the next. i've always tried hard to push myself but i'm really a timid, shy person and the only reason i've been able to accomplish what i have is because i knew that even if i fail at everything, i will still be important for one person and that gave me courage. Now i'm scared to open the door and let uncertainty come crashing in. Being in a foreign country with minimal social networks doesn't help either. confusion would be an understatement. my future just seems so uncertain, and i'm lost in a ocean with my anchor hopelessly lodge itself into the past. at current i'ma thinking of finishing my fulbright in mid-May, which would accomplish the minimum sixth months for resume purposes:) and head back home for a month for some soul searching b4 heading back to LA for some hardcore organizing, and reorganizing of my life...

for now, i guess i just gotta put on some Bobby M and put on my pants one leg at a time. It's a really dizzying moment because i really just experienced two extremes; simple and joyful happiness of exploring and journeying through unknown alleys and trails with those you love, and losing faith in the state of happiness through loss of one's love. I don't know how to express it properly but i really did depend on that person and to come back to you your room and realize it's completely empty is a heart freezing moment. i guess i just have to keep oning, believing in merrier days but right now it just feels like a test, and even if i pull an all nighter i feel like i'm going to fail. red bull, thy name is unsalvageability. so with the sweet taste that lingers in my mouth, i'll just have to accommodate the bitterness, and bittersweet talk my way to new days.

Nevertheless, here are some photos of good times at good places with good faces. even if my breath feels suffocating, hopefully time will liberate me...

From Ellora caves. Religious caves just carved out from mountains... Amazing devotion.















More carved caves from Ajant. Made over a period of a 1000 or years. I also went to the Taj Mahal but this was way amazing because it was no added resources. Just devotional crafts men and their hammer and chisel. And of course, my beautiful, hilarious and intelligent friend yukari. best travel companion in times of rough seas and in those of jumpy fun!

Me, my dad and my two aunties that constantly pet my head and call me "very nice boy." when i first arrived in the city, knowing no one and unable to navigate the foreign surrounding, they healed my soul with their 25 rupee (50 cents?!?!) all you can eat meals in their house. despite all our travels, ultimately i think we had the best time experiencing and sharing together a part of my life here in delhi, and that was a timeless experience.

I know everything is going to be okay, but sometimes it just feels more natural to soak in the hurt. But i'll be feeling that happy loving magic again soon i know.